Overcoming Adolescent Fears

As children move into adolescence, they engage in a brand new culture. So many things begin to change in their lives. They begin to separate themselves into new peer groups. Acceptance becomes a key concern which leads to new behaviors and activities. School becomes more difficult as they wade through these adolescence changes. They begin to pull more toward independence as they grow mentally, physically and into new relationships.

This new world starts around their entrance into the 6th grade and really doesn't end until they graduate from high school. Some studies show this even lingers into the college years. That's why we call adolescence the "Formative years." These six short years represent the period in your child's life where they will experience the most change. Change in personality, habits, physically, social behavior, and spiritual formation.

These changes often result in deep feelings of fear. Yes, fear for the parents. I was terrified! I wanted to lock my daughters up and release them when they married. After I determined that sounded like a cult, I got over it. Parents fear these changes and some have hair loss or change in hair color to prove it. But it brings even more fear into the adolescent mind. It all happens so fast and is so powerful that fear is a natural reaction to this new culture. This is a natural reaction to the change going on both in their lives and the changes going on around them. Particularly in their peer culture.

The role of parents is critical during adolescence. I have a friend who has three teenage girls. He recently told me that real parenting didn't begin until his daughters started middle school. "Suddenly," he said, "Parenting is hard work!" Most parents will agree. Parents play a crucial role in helping their children sort out the new world and understanding the changes in their culture. More important, parents help their children work through the fear this change brings into their young lives.

Fear has the potential to completely immobilize your child. It can stop them from pursuing their interest and reaching their goals. It can also hinder them from reaching their full potential as a follower of Christ. They become paralyzed by their fear.

Parents play a pivotal role in helping their children understand and face these fears. These are teachable moments. Helping teenagers  overcome their fears is a big part of their future success.

What is a teenager's greatest fear? Fear of failure.

A recent survey among a large adolescent sample group found that failure was their greatest fear.

Teenagers live in a culture that has a tendency to measure success and failure based on superficial standards heavily influenced by media outlets. This leads teenagers to fear they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, cool enough, strong enough, smart enough, and even fear they will greatly disappoint their parents by not living up to their idea for their lives. The fear is real and has great influence on their lives. It affects the way they dress, the activities they engage in, their choice of friends. It develops a sense of risk versus reward where they will only attempt the things that guarantee success. This is a dangerous precedent as they often settle for mediocrity.

Teenagers must understand that failure is often the greatest cause of future success. Sometimes we will fail in life. Some of us will fail often. I'm not bitter. With each failure is a golden opportunity to lean and grow. We are never guaranteed that everything we attempt will succeed. But be sure you will never succeed if you don't at least try.

Parents. Allow your children to fail. Never discourage them from their ambitions. Well, unless those ambitions are immoral, dangerous, or involve anything to do with worshipping Satan. This sounds like crazy talk, but failure, when approached from a learning standpoint is incredibly valuable to their lives. Use it to their advantage.

Some of their fear is fueled by the need to please the people they love and trust the most. That's their parents. Always encourage them to try the things that interest them. If they fail, use those failures as valuable teachable moments. This mentality greatly impacts their young lives.

We all know the story of basketball great Michael Jordan. Initially he was a failure at basketball. At the beginning of his sophomore season, Michael Jordan was cut from the high school team. He wasn't good enough. That's hard to imagine. The key to his future success was his ability to use those failures as moments of clarity. His mother used these failures to express her faith and love for him and to encourage him to continue working hard to achieve his dream. This pushed him to try harder. He would later say that her encouragement and love produced confidence in his ability to achieve. We all know the results.  Michael Jordan will go down as one of the greatest players in basketball history.

We could fill this article with the names of people who experienced failure only to use those failures as a catalyst for success. Names like, Beethoven, actor Harrison Ford, comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Walt Disney, Abraham Lincoln, and Albert Einstein. All of these great people experienced great failures in their lives only to go on to achieve amazing success. They all attribute their failures as the determining factor to their success.

I love this quote from Robert F. Kennedy.

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly."

Finally. It's so important that your children understand the unconditional love you have for them. It's so important that your children know your love for them isn't based on performance. When they fail, and be sure, they will, take advantage of the opportunity to express your love for them and help them grow through the failures. This reassurance and act of love will produce confidence in their abilities and encourage them to press on toward their goals and passions.

Even bigger, help them understand God's unconditional love for them. God is in the business of redeeming our failures for His glory. Anything we attempt for God's glory is a guaranteed success! It's not always easy, and the success is not always obvious, but it's always a win. I like that.